A Reflection On Rejection; Nineteen Years Of Changing Gears ~ Pt. 1

PART ONE

Nineteen years? Are you kidding me? How can that even be. Seems like only yesterday I was sitting in my first meeting, gazing all around the room and thinking to myself how much I didn't belong there. After all, I wasn't anything like them.

Nope, nothing like them at all. These people were all a bunch of seriously troubled alcoholics with major drinking problems. Some of them were more than likely even worse off than that. Meaning, they likely had some type of drug issues as well. Even more proof that I didn't belong there. Not me. Not there. Not with them.

But as I heard them speak, one after another, regardless of how hard I tried to deny it, I was like them. Exactly like them and inside that room was exactly where I belonged. And the more I listened to each of them share their stories it became increasingly apparent that I had been lying. Lying to myself of all people.

Incredibly enough I had bought into my own bullshit and had been buying in for quite some time I might add. In fact so long that I didn't even realize I was doing it. Talk about being in denial, I was the King of Denial and no, not the river.

Sure, I was aware that I had a problem of sorts but I surely had things under control. I held down a job, I paid my bills and I managed to fool everybody into thinking I had my act together. Well, most everybody anyway. My closest friends knew that I was a heavy duty partier as they had been witness to some of my drunkisodes as I like to refer to them.

You know, those times when I made a complete fool of myself and blamed it on the alcohol. Or in some cases, both the alcohol as well as the greenery I had been known to constantly consume on a daily basis. Yes, they were both my built in excuses for failure. Just in case anything went wrong, in case I totally screwed things up, they were my default Get Out Of Fail cards.

I'm not 100% sure how often I used them but knowing I always had my super secret safety net with me sure was a nice feeling. At least I think so anyway. I don't really recall each and every detail of that part of my life. I was too busy attempting to make my life disappear.

To say I was miserable is a huge understatement. The disappointment I felt in myself was an overwhelmingly large burden on my shoulders. I always knew that I could have done so much more with my life and the fact that I hadn't was extremely devastating to me. Not to mention the feeling that it was much too late to turn back. Too late to change my life, to better myself.

So day after day, week after week, month after month I continued on that same path. Expecting very little of myself and delivering 110% on that expectation. As the months turned into years it only cemented in my mind that my fate was sealed. I would live out the rest of my life, however long that may be, as an alcoholic and a drug addict. Wow, nice titles. That's enough to make any parent proud. NOT!

Even worse than that was I wasn't even coming close to making myself proud. Of me. My self esteem or lack thereof had always been an issue for me. I had felt as if I was a failure from longer back than I can remember and most of which was my own doing.

I didn't need anyone to tell me that I never fulfilled my potential. I knew that very well. It haunted me terribly, pretty much 24/7. So much so that the only way I could see to get out of it, to get away from that miserable feeling was to pack it in, game over. Yes, to commit suicide. I thought about it quite often towards the end of my drinking career.

Problem was I didn't have the guts to follow through on it. I was just too damn chicken to make it happen. I guess somewhere deep inside I either thought that my life wasn't all that bad or perhaps I thought that someday I would somehow find a way out of that self imposed hell. So again I took the easy road and continued to self medicate, to search for a full time escape from me and my life.

Yet, every morning there it was. Again. Staring me in the face. My shitty life, my lousy existence. Without a doubt I lived my life day by day. Any more than that was too much to ask of myself. It took all I had to get through a day at work, especially considering that all I could think about during the day was getting off work asap so I could slide by the Beach Market on the way home for my liquid dinner.

To say it was my routine is an understatement. It was my life. My lifestyle. It was me, it began to define me as a person and I was locked in this prison and there was no key. No way of unlocking the lock. Or was there?

I've been a Car Guy nearly my entire life. My Dad was involved in cars and I basically grew up with cars as a recurring theme in my life. Always enjoyed antique cars as well as the events and the people that are involved with them. Little did I know, attending one such event, an event I had attended for many consecutive years would end up becoming a huge turning point in my life.

The Friday before the actual event was basically a primer for the weekends festivities, the highlight of which was free beer. Well, that was the highlight for me anyway. Others might have seen things differently but checking into the hotel, finding parking, saying high, ooops I mean Hi to old friends, all of that was secondary to the free beer. Did I mention the huge wash tubs full of ice cold beer and the beer was free?

Well, after taking care of all the aforementioned prerequisite BS I headed down to the pool area to begin my afternoons festivities with an emphasis on the free beer. Cruisin' through the crowd, I grabbed a couple cold ones, found myself a seat and began to settle in for what I knew was going to be a fantabulous weekend. It always was and I knew this one would be no different. Good weather, good friends and since it always fell very near my birthday, best of all it helped take my mind off of being another year older.

Looking around, something caught my attention. Something completely unexpected, something I could have in no way planned nor prepared for. Sure, I had always hoped something like this would happen but it was a one in a million so it's not something that you would have a game plan laid out for, just in case.

But as I glanced around the room, there behind the counter amongst the sea of women that volunteer yearly to sell event posters, tshirts, coffee mugs and memorabilia was an angel that seemed to glow. I had only cracked open one beer at that point so I knew very well that what I was looking at was real. VERY REAL!

Beautiful doesn't begin to do her justice, she was absolutely gorgeous (in my eyes anyway) and my brain instantly began to spin like a top inside my head. I've gotta talk to her. Should I talk to her. If I don't talk to her, I'll always regret it. If I do talk to her and make a complete fool of myself, I'll surely regret it. Like a washing machine with two wet towels on Spin Cycle, my head wobbled from side to side with no hopes of stopping.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that the risk of rejection was better than the alternative which was always having to look back, wondering what might have happened had I had the guts to talk to her. Ok then, decision made. I'm going to risk life and limb and say hello. But just a plain ol' hello wasn't gonna cut it.

Oh no, not with a woman like her. I'm sure she'd already heard every cheesy line in the book as well as plenty that weren't even qualified to be in a book. Nope, this was going to require huge amounts of creativity and how best to stir the creative juices? That's right. Alcohol. And might I add, plenty of it. So off to the wash tub I went in search of some idea generating fluid.

Finally, after many trips to the tub, I was fueled up and ready. Well, as ready as I'd ever be anyway. Yep, it was time to put up or shut up. To lay it all on the line for a shot at love. I mean, in the grand scheme of things what did I really have to lose.

My pride? Lost that a long time prior. My dignity? Also long gone. After all, let's be honest here. I was an alcoholic as well as a drug addict and as far as I'm concerned there's absolutely no dignity in either of those traits, let alone anything to be proud of.

As I neared the front of the line, I couldn't help but be nervous but I'd come too far to turn back now. And of course, hers was the longest line which only added to the dilemma.

It was almost like the Kissing Booth at the fair, at least in my mind anyway as I imagined that every guy (yes, for some strange reason her line seemed to be filled with men only) in front of me was giving it their best shot, taking their own shot at romance only to fire and fall back as they all walked away with a bag of Event goodies and nothing else. But I knew damn well that I wouldn't suffer the same fate.

Oh no, today was my day and things were finally going to go my way. My luck was about to change, I could feel it. And so just as the last remaining guy in line in front of me gave it his best and walked away with his goodie bag, there I stood with a mere 5ft. to go between me and the object of my desire. Panic began to set in but at this point there was no turning back. It was now or forever hold my lunch. Here we goooooo........

A Reflection On Rejection; Six Years Of Changing Gears ~ Pt. 2