Burger Rage ~ THE LAW OF STARVATION!
Honest, I did my best. I really tried my darndest to resist temptation. Although I know all the reasons, too many calories, too much grease, any way you choose to look at it, just not healthy for me. Yet, here I was, caught in its greasy grip, the mile long line up at the In'N'Out Burger Drive Thru, anxiously awaiting placement of my order.
With the line being so long I still had time to do the right thing, to turn around and go back home. After all, this burger wasn't something I had to have, only something I wanted and that alone wasn't really a good enough reason to indulge. Or was it?
Like an invisible magnetic force, pulling me closer and even though I did resist, I still found myself being pulled forward toward that little red framed window. It was at this point that I came to the realization that there was no turning back, no matter how hard I tried.
As I watched the line continue to grow behind me, I was amazed at how many people were obviously on the same wavelength. How can it be so crowded at 2:00 in the afternoon? Hasn't everyone already eaten?
I purposely waited until way after the basic lunch hour to avoid all this commotion but apparently it didn't do me much good. On the other hand, maybe it did. It's quite possible this line was even worse a couple hours earlier.
Sitting there, sunroof open, soakin' up the sunshine along with a few great tunes, it seemed we weren't moving at all. Goin' nowhere fast. That's when I noticed a huge gap in front of the car directly in front of me. Why isn't this idiot moving.
Doesn't he realize that there are about 100 cars behind me, filled with starving people chompin' at the bit to get up to the speaker box? I can already feel about 400 eyes burnin' holes in the back of my head, wonderin' why I haven't moved forward in quite some time. Don't make me go all crazy and start honkin' my horn!
Then it dawns on me. He's not moving because there's a girl taking his order on a faux Ipad and transmitting all his info electronically to the insiders way before he ever gets to the speaker box. Keep in mind we're nowhere near the giant life size outdoor Menu yet, not even close and yet she expects us to know what we want.
I guess it's easy to assume that most everybody has a pretty good idea what they want already, especially considering the Menu only consists of about ten choices.
Sure, there's a choice of with or without onions, even how you want them prepared and a few other intricacies that aren't actually spelled out on the board but for the most part, everybody has their favorites and one would assume they get the same thing every time. I know I do, that's for sure.
While I might change up the drink choice once in a while, it's very rare that I'll mess with the rest of the order. Why mess with a good thing? For those that do choose to risk it all, there is the "Not So Secret Menu" which would allow for some out of the box thinkin' but I don't really need to go there.
Finally, I get the signal. The sign from Olga the Order Taker to please pull forward. "Wait! What's going on here?" As I move forward to fill the gap in the lineup, she walks forward at the same time, seemingly mocking my forward progress. Is she making me chase her? Does she just want to feel wanted? Needed in some way?
At this point she HAS to know she's both wanted AND needed as she's the direct connection, the ONLY connection to the powers that be. Without her, me and everybody else in this huge pile of people behind me are pretty much screwed. Up the proverbial creek without a paddle.
It's then that I realize she's just moving forward to allow everyone to fill the gap in the lineup and to give the impression that we are actually making some sort of progress. Inching ever closer to the promised land, the land of the free, the home of the brave. Well, the place where you pay for your food, which is just about the same thing.
All of a sudden, I heard a voice come over the outdoor loudspeaker. "Nine hundred sixty nine, number nine hundred sixty nine!" Hmmm, that answers that. As I was waiting in line, I found myself wondering if it would have been faster to walk inside.
Yet, as I scanned the faces of all the people that were standing in line and sitting at the outdoor tables, I got the impression that they were just as irritated at the overly long wait as I was.
In fact it almost looked like they were somehow blaming those of us in the Drive Thru for the outrageous amount of time they had to wait in line for their food. Good thing I didn't walk in. I might not have lived to tell this story.
Finally, so close I could almost touch it but not quite. One more car and I'd be there. Well, not exactly. More like one half of a car. I would have to pull all the way forward, more than likely hitting the bumper of the guy in front of me in order to be able to climb out my window to hand my money to the girl with the headset on.
This was due to the fact that a guy a couple cars in front of me had decided to tow a trailer through the Drive Thru (which I can relate to but that's another story that I'll save for later) thus causing the line to be a bit out of kilter.
"Ok, here we go. Here's my money, now where's my food?" "Your food? Oh, you pick that up at the next window." Hmmm, the NEXT window? What next window? I can't see another window. Are you sure there's another window? There must be some kind of mistake!
"No mistake. Please pull forward!" Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, about an hour ago when I placed my order with the girl holding the Ipad. Here we go again. Up ahead I can see a curve in the road, perhaps the window of which she speaks is up around the bend.
Now, when I say road, this road is similar to the old Autopia Ride at Disneyland in that it has high curbs along the sides that seemingly guide you to the promised land. If you somehow jump these curbs, you're either extremely drunk (again, saving that story for later) or you really didn't want your burger bad enough after all.
After negotiating this final curve, through the haze and the ripple effect coming off of the overheated cars in front of me, I can just make it out. Like an oasis in the desert, a lake surrounded by palm trees, it's the little window with the red trim. The window that the girl with the headset spoke of oh so long ago.
But this window is different. Very different. Not quite sure why but I just know it is. Then it dawns on me. It smells different. Yep, this is THE ONE! The one I've waited all this time to get to, the one I broke all the rules for. As she read my order back to me again, I wasn't even listening to her. I just kept saying "YES, YES, YES! Whatever, just give me my food!" The food I ordered about two hours ago. The food I payed for about an hour ago. THAT food.
At this point I pretty much couldn't care less how close the contents of the bag were to my actual order. In fact, I'm so dizzy and light headed that I can't even remember WHAT I ordered!
"Okay, says here on your receipt that you'll be taking it home to eat it, so we'll bag it up." To which I reply "YES, THROW IT IN A BAG SO I CAN GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!" I'm so hungry at this point that the bag is a mere annoyance, I'll most likely eat that as well while on my way to the burgers.
"Oh, also says here that you ordered a Chocolate Shake." "Huh, I did? Oh yeah, I did." That was such a long time ago I more or less forgot. Good thing she remembered or I would have had to come back.
Heck, I'm not even sure I could have handled that and more than likely I wouldn't have bothered. I would have just cut my losses. To go through that line again wouldn't have been worth it.
And we're off! Got my bag of burgers 'n fries, my Shake and I'm outta here. The way they designed everything here, in order to get back out to the street, you have to wind your way back through the parking lot, skirting the lineup of folks in the Drive Thru lineup. Hmmmm, what a small world.
Just think, only a few short hours ago I too was in this lineup, anxiously awaiting my dream meal. If they only knew. Only had a clue as to the journey that waits ahead for them. I wonder if they'd stay in line if they knew how long it was gonna be before they actually got their food?
As I continued to weave my way between the mish mash of cars, all of which seemed to be in a big hurry to go nowhere, I noticed the changes on the faces of the occupants. The further I got away from the end of the burger rainbow, the more the faces were filled with anxiety and anger.
Before I knew it, it started to look like a freeway onramp at 5:00 on a Friday afternoon, just before a three day Holiday weekend.
Tempers were flaring, blood was beginning to boil, horns began honking, people were cutting other people off, all signs of courtesy being thrown out the window only to be replaced by BURGER RAGE!
It has to be seen to truly be understood but there it was, continuing to manifest itself right in front of me. No doubt about it, this was absolute Burger Rage and there was no way to stop it.
How could this have happened? How could a simple trip to the local burger joint turn into an anxiety filled stress test? Only one answer. It's gotta be the LAW OF STARVATION. Since the beginning of time, the hunt for food has brought out the most savage of tendencies in man and this was just another example of how some things never change.
Upon nearly making it to the exit of the parking lot, almost free, I decided to just find an open parking space, relax for a few minutes and eat my burger in peace. I was pretty much worn out from the whole experience and believe it or not, even hungrier than when I first arrived there oh so long ago.
Sitting there, thankful that I had gotten my food and my time in line was over, I enjoyed my burger and fries. Every last deep fried greasy bite of it. Topped off, of course, with that exquisite Chocolate Shake. To say it was delicious is an understatement.
Upon sucking that last bit of Chocolate scrumptuousness through the straw, a strange thing occurred to me. All that frustration, anxiety and stress that I had just suffered through such a short time ago was nearly gone from my memory.
All that Burger Rage had been erased, only to be replaced by the sweet memories of a great burger (with grilled onions), real potato fries and an incredible Chocolate shake.
Some kind of magic? I think not. Will I be coming back again? You bet. It's the law. THE LAW OF STARVATION.
If you've had any similar experiences at In-N-Out Burger or suffered through a bout of Burger Rage, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you know of anyone that might have had an unforgettable experience and can relate, I'd appreciate it if you'd share this post with them. Thank you.